There are habits, patterns and unconscious traps that can hinder you on your journey to love. Let’s find out together which ones and how to improve your dating chances
Why are people single? Of course, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in having a serious relationship at this point in their lives. Others are single perhaps because of life circumstances. They may have just ended a significant relationship or have been dating continuously, without having found someone who is truly compatible. The purpose of this article is not to stereotype the obvious, but to put some order and give some answers, which perhaps deep down, are already inside us but that we struggle to admit.
How to Stop Being Single, Why and What to Do
1. You’re trying to protect yourself from getting hurt
Let’s say you didn’t grow up feeling safe and secure with your parents or caregivers, or you struggled with hurt feelings in previous relationships. If that’s the case, it’s natural for you to develop a fear of intimacy. As humans, we’re built to connect and bond, but experiencing unpredictable relationships can create a fear of opening up to another person again.
To protect yourself from a painful experience, feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship or bond that leads to major changes in your life, you develop internal insecurities, including low self-esteem issues with body image, being extremely picky, avoiding dates, constantly putting off communication and dating, or keeping yourself very busy with other things.
To resolve this issue, you should write down all the fears, obstacles, and doubts that arise regarding dating. In more severe cases, it is necessary to work directly with a therapist to understand the unconscious blocks and gain more control.
2. You are in «blind spots»
Logan Ury, director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and author of » How to Not Die Alone ,» categorizes «blind spots» into three categories based on different dating tendencies, including: Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Indecisive People.
Romantics are people who love love and believe they are single because they haven’t met the right partner yet. «They expect love to be easy,» Ury notes, «so when they get into a relationship and encounter the inevitable difficulties, they think, ‘Oh, this is definitely not the person for me.'»
A maximizer is someone who is constantly looking for a partner who might be a little more attractive, a little more ambitious, but can never quite come to terms with the partner who might be right in front of them. “They’re always trying to commit to someone and build a great relationship,” says Ury.
The third type is the indecisive person, who has unrealistic expectations for himself and can’t let go of them until he becomes the person he wants to be, until he loses 20 pounds or cleans his apartment or gets a better job. “But dating is a skill, and you only get better when you get out there and do it,” Ury notes.
By identifying your dating tendencies, you can gain self-awareness that helps you reform those patterns and behaviors that are holding you back from moving forward in your relationships.
3.You have difficulty making room for the feelings and points of view of others
All humans are selfish by nature—after all, focusing on ourselves and our own safety has helped us survive throughout evolution. But we have to put that basic instinct aside to realize that every person has different life experiences, and therefore differences of opinion are natural. And having trouble making room for another person’s experiences and emotions can keep you from connecting with a potential partner.
On the other hand, being open to another person’s point of view and willing to compromise can help you not only get along with a great person, but also grow together.
4. You haven’t diversified your relationships
If you are a stay-at-home person who spends most of your time at work, your chances of meeting a potential romantic partner are very slim.
There are many ways to interact socially. Sports tournaments, self-defense classes, book clubs, religious or meditation groups, festivals, charity events, and volunteering at animal shelters are all great opportunities to expand your network and find a life partner. Or you can also ask your friends to match with friends or friends of friends. Always remember that if you don’t put in the effort and take risks, you will never get what you want.